sport

England: A Letter Of Resignation...

Dear Sepp,

Really, really excellent idea about the women footballers in hotpants. But that's not the main reason I'm writing to you today.

I would like you to accept this letter as England's official resignation from international football.

Thanks and all that, it's been great, but it turns out we're just not very good at this lark. And at least if we walk away now we'll avoid the embarrassment of being worse than Scotland.

The only way we can possibly carry on is if the rules are changed to embrace the use of bikes or boats in football - we think we can persuade Chris Boardman out of retirement, while Ben Ainslie is a 'maybe', conditional on the captaincy and the 'cap' being replaced by a hat with a peak. Barring this small change in legislation, England will be retiring forthwith.

This is part of a national campaign to restore confidence that will also see us withdraw from the Eurovision Song Contest and Iraq (though there is some animated talk in the highest places of a swap scheme that would see Scooch and that bloke from the X Factor being sent to the Middle East).

Things have never been the same for England since Andy Cole announced his retirement from international football, and it's not before time that the rest of England will follow suit. There have been highs - 1966, Bobby Moore, John Barnes' rap - and there have also been lows - Graham Taylor, the wally with the brolly, the sauerkraut at the 2006 opening banquet - but the story has now ended.

Appointing Fabio Capello was the last throw of the dice - a desperate attempt to salvage a last hurrah - but it turns out that even a man with five Serie A titles cannot polish turds. He is a broken man and we are broken England.

We have sent cheques back to Nationwide, Setanta (who will now be showing live sailing instead), Umbro, Carlsberg and National Express and we did intend to give the kit to a poorer nation, but that search proved fruitless. Team England is no more.

The FA shall now concentrate all our efforts on club football, taking our lead from Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney and the rest of the players. Thanks to the massive wages on offer, we are excellent at club football and it makes sense to channel our efforts in that direction rather than stumble on in an arena that requires cohesion, communication and belief. We have to reluctantly admit that we are sorely lacking in those areas.

Captain John Terry (a parting final joke from Fabio) has been informed of the decision. He has not taken it well.

Thanks for having us. And good luck with the campaign to make women's beach football an Olympic sport.

Yours regretfully...

Lord Triesman, King, FA.