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Football365 Dictionary: V Is For...
Valderrama, Carlos
Supercool Colombian, played for ages when rickety and clearly past it, but nobody minded, 'cos of the hair.
Valiantly
Newspaper description of how Derby played before succumbing to another home defeat.
Vanuatu
Ranked 352nd in the world and therefore one of the strongest teams in the Oceania Confederation.
Van Basten, Marco
Seriously good Dutchman, mullered England, scored one of best hat-tricks ever in the days when Ruud Van Nistelrooy was falling over in the kindergarten playground penalty area. Has achieved the impossible in getting Dutch to play like team.
Van Nistelrooy, Ruud
Unbalanced but gifted former ManYoo striker. Initially seemed like a likeable, if boring, sort of a lad. However, diving, moaning and looking like Rock Of Gibraltar quickly established him as one of Manchester United's most disliked players in recent years, so much so that even Fergie started to tire of him, hence swift off-loading to Real Madrid. Survived attack by giant monkey.
Vassell, Darius
Quiet but decent striker, always seems to do well for England. As such, is rarely given an opportunity. Looks like Pink Panther.
Venables, Terry
Media personality and businessman given to occasional forays into world of football management. Recently partly responsible for McClaren-era England debacle but managed to slither away with reputation more or less intact.
Venison, Barry
Mediocre mullet-haired player who became mediocre sartorially-challenged pundit.
Venglos, Doctor Jozef
Had excellent Bond baddie name. And who's to say that Goldfinger wouldn't have made a better fist of managing Aston Villa and Celtic? Or Goldfinger's cat.
Vennegoor of Hesselink, Jan
Excellently-named Dutchman about whom it is not important to know anything else.
Verbal
Swearing. As in: "He's gone in the book for giving the ref a bit of verbal, there."
Vernacular
What footballers, commentators and managers use instead of a dictionary.
Veron, Juan
Argentine midfielder who bore resemblance to Ali G and was nicknamed the Little Witch. Constantly sub-par efforts for The World's Greatest Club saw Ferguson drawn into increasingly heated defences of his transfer boob, culminating in superb 'You'se are all f****** idiots' tirade. Eventually left quietly. Juan, not Fergie, obviously.
Versatile
Polite word for 'not really very good at anything in particular'.
Veteran
Polite word for 'past- it'.
Vialli, Gianluca
Slap-headed, school uniform-sporting Italian much loved by all and sundry but unceremoniously axed by Basher Bates, perhaps for breaking with Chelsea tradition and actually winning some trophies.
Viana, Hugo
As youngster in Portugal, was rated higher than Cristiano Ronaldo. Snapped up by Newcastle for a fee of one billion pounds. Ah. Well, maybe next time.
Vieira, Patrick
Towering powerhouse of Arsenal midfield, caught rubbish as soon as he was sold.
Vieri, Christian
Hobo-like superstriker who liked to transfer clubs as often as humanly possible. One of the very, very few Italians who enjoys cricket.
Victory, Escape To
Finest football-themed movie ever made in which Nazis are beaten by Michael Caine, Pelé, Sylvester Stallone and half the Ipswich Town team. The ref was diabolical.
Video Nasty
Tabloid term used to describe what the losing side have to watch if they go down by more than two goals
Video Replays
What all managers demand if there's been a decision go against them but 'wouldn't like to see them introduced' if their defender has been handling the ball in penalty area. See Henchoz, Stephane.
Viduka, Mark
Bulky, sleepy-looking Australian mammal that slumbers happily throughout the year, awakening in transfer season to attract potential mates with colourful, powerful displays, before returning to hibernation after ensnaring a new partner.
Villa, Aston
Sleeping giant, players and fans alike seem to be permanently miserable.
Villa, Ricky
Scorer of Tottenham's best-ever goal. Wearer of Tottenham's best-ever beard.
Villa, S**t On The
Among the most puerile, but funniest, football chants - favoured by Birmingham City fans.
VIP Lounge
Area of football stadium reserved for those who wish to watch the game with their backs turned towards the action.
Vision
Supernatural ability whereby a professional footballer can see another one running around and then attempt to kick the ball at him. Spoken of in hushed tones by pundits, as if it was telekinesis or the ability to reanimate after death.
Vogts, Berti (McBerti)
Former World Cup-winning German manager who, bizarrely, took the Scotland job. Was fond of having a pop at his own players. As you would, if you managed an international side for whom David Weir is a first-choice defender. Looks like Home and Away's Alf Stewart.
Voller, Rudi
Bubble-permed, moustachioed German famous for gobbing, diving and, later, managing Germany. Strangely, actually seems like quite a nice chap. Looks like Home And Away's Ailsa Stewart
Volley
Spectacular shot which, if successful, is guaranteed to put the perpetrator in the running for goal of the month. Far more often, though, likely to put a photographer near the corner flag in the running for a broken nose.
V-Sign
Sign that fans are fond of aiming at players, bit of harmless fun. If a player should do it back to the crowd, the same fans must make an outraged complaint to the police.
