sport

The Quotes Of The Week

No prizes for guessing who dominates this week's edition: We begin with the opening exchange from Joe Kinnear's introductory press conference as Newcastle's interim manager...

* 'JK: "Which one is Simon Bird [from The Daily Mirror]?"

SB: "Me."

JK: "You're a c**t."

SB: "Thank you."

* 'Other journalist: "How long is your contract for Joe?"

JK: "None of your business."

* 'SB: "So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn't. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?"

JK: "It is none of your f**king business. What the f**k are you going to do? You ain't got the balls to be a f**king manager. F**king day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?"

SB: "No, you can listen to who you want."

JK: "I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff."

SB: "Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night."

JK: "No, no, no. I didn't want to do it. I had some other things to do."

SB: "What? More important things?"

JK: "What are you? My personal secretary? F**k off."

* "It is surprising after four days in the job he blew his top so spectacularly after a limited degree of criticism. I don't think he has been ridiculed as much he thinks he has been. It also illustrates the paranoia and how sensitive the egos of people running football clubs are" - Simon Bird, the aforementioned Daily Mirror hack, soaks up his moment in the headlines.

* "He is a coach? I don't know him. I know nothing about this. I am a man for peace" - The response of Luiz Felipe Scolari when asked what he made of his Kinnear's expletive-dominated rant.

* "I couldn't get the phone to work. Every time I was getting through to Chris [Hughton], it was cutting out. I dumped the phone and ran down. I was just shouting round the corner" - Kinnear explains why he was spotted shouting instructions from the tunnel during the closing stages of Newcastle's draw at Everton.

* "It was a bit similar to the Crazy Gang. I was racing down at half-time when the first goal was scored and then I was racing back up again when the second was scored. I wanted to get some information on to the bench and then, of course, the busy police got busy as usual and sent me back upstairs again and in between all that I missed all the goals" - Speak no evil, see no good...

* "I want to make one thing clear to everybody, I am not interested in doing the press any more while I am at the club. I will do television, I will do radio and that way the stories that are going round will make me a lot happier. What is happening in the press at the moment is scandalous. Nothing has ever been said that is true" - An extract from Kinnear's post-match interview with Sky.

* "What's wrong? Can't you take a joke?" - Kinnear's opening gambit approximately ten minutes later when he turned up for the post-match press conference. The irony was that any newspaper which thus reported Kinnear declaring he would no longer speak to them was thus proving his post that 'Nothing has ever been said that is true'...

* "If the referee can't see it then he shouldn't be a referee" - Paul Ince calls for the immediate sacking of Steve Bennett after he failed to spot Vidic elbowing Blackburn goalkeeper Jason Brown as another Brown scored ManYoo's opener. Question: Does Ince demand the sacking of a player whenever they make a mistake?

* "I think the bigger teams do get the bigger decisions. I'm not just saying it because of what happened, but I played for Man United, so I know. I've had it happen to me [benefiting from decisions], but I just think when it's a clear-cut decision like that they can't possibly get it wrong" - Ince finds the boot on the other foot.

* "He has stepped over his dog on the stairs and his ankle just gave way and he went over on it" - Stoke City boss Tony Pulis reveals why midfielder Liam Lawrence was unavailable for the trip to Portsmouth.

* "Every big player has value but Torres has no value for us. He is unbuyable" - Rafa Benitez creates a new word.

* "Entertainment is vital. It's not just a war where you need victory at all costs" - Gianfranco Zola reveals his management blueprint.

* "Since my arrival two months ago I haven't spoken much with Paul Ince. But every time I do he annoys me by going on about Ivan Zamorano" - Blackburn striker Carlos Villanueva doesn't exactly enhance his chances of getting a permanent deal after his year-long loan deal expires.

* "You don't get the time to blink here. As a striker I am constantly coming up against opposing defenders, and I have to laugh when I see my legs covered in cuts and bruises. The football is very physical, and I have to run a great deal. The fact that I don't speak English, and can't communicate with others, limits me in many ways.As a result I spend a lot of time watching TV in my apartment, eating nothing but frozen food. 'I have lunch at the club, but at night it's deep-frozen pasta for me, pure and simple" - Although, from the sound of things, that may not be such a bad thing.

* "As most of my teammates live in Manchester, I decided to get a flat in the south of the city. Virtually none of them live in Blackburn. It was hard for me to get used to driving in England. The first week was like giving birth to a baby - I was not used to being in a car with the steering wheel on the right" - But at least, other than the food, manager, team-mates, and country, it's going well.

* "We will get to the airport at six in the morning, but then stay there until six at night. We'll be sleeping on the benches, then fly for five or six hours through the night. We get there in the morning and have to play that afternoon. I told the organisation that I will walk out if this keeps happening. I tell them I have a big game for Arsenal on the Saturday, that I will be too tired" - Emmanuel Adebayor on the pitfalls of international football.

"After the game I was apprehensive about him, I was afraid, because I saw Didier's face in the dressing room. I prayed for Didier because he is part of my family, all of the players are my family. I asked to my God to say 'Look for this player because he tries to play for three months now, he works hard and he is starting. I think he listened and gave to Didier one more chance to play next month" - Scolari reveals his and His part in Drogba escaping a serious knee injury.

PG