sport

The Quotes Of The Week

The best of the verbals from the opening week of the new season...

* "If I go into a season and I say, 'For f*ck's sake, if we don't win anything, they will all leave,' I have already lost. The problem of the media is always to imagine the worst. The problem of the manager is always to imagine the best" - Arsene Wenger stuns the media into silence at his press conference with the confirmation that, yes, he does swear.

* "I get blamed for everything, for global warming to high petrol prices" - Rafa Benitez pleads for sympathy before declaring that everyone is to blame for the Gareth Barry saga but him.

* "Rio's now a real Manchester United person and he comes from another country. He comes from London, he comes from a different world. It's not very different leaving London than leaving Portugal to live in Manchester. He came north to a colder climate, a wetter climate, but to a real football city" - Sir Alex Ferguson does his bit for north-south relations.

* "I didn't know the English were good at swimming. I have been in this country for 12 years and I haven't seen a swimming pool" - Arsene Wenger expresses his surprise at the gold rush in Beijing.

* "Championsh League, Liverpool or Arshenal, I thought one of them we would draw and it is Arshenal I think. To experiensh big gamesh, Championsh League... Arshenal... The Emiratesh... will be fantashtic for the playersh, not just for now but for the future ash well. I shay I think we are not just... what you call?... underdogsh but mashive underdogsh" - Shteve McClaren unveils what can only be described as a daft Dutch accent ahead of Twente's Champions League tie with Arsenal. Or 'Arshenal' as they are now known by the man who only moved to the Netherlands a month ago.

* "It is not a joke" - A spokesman for McClaren fails to see the funny side.

* "Starting today, we have another 45 matches against clubs who overwhelmingly voted in favour of our 15 points deduction. We owe them nothing except to take six points off them - An extract from Ken Bates' programme notes ahead of Leeds' match with Oldham. Unfortunately for Papa Smurf, his words went unheeded: Oldham won 2-0.

* "The letters I have received have been overwhelming. Thousands have been sent to the training ground from Chelsea fans, people sent me poems from Ireland. It's important that I say I had lots of correspondence from Liverpool, Manchester United and West Ham fans. That was a breath of fresh air for me because sometimes football can make you cynical and you forget about the things that matter. When I get a letter from a West Ham fan sending their condolences, it makes you realise the important things. I have read every single letter and I'm in the process of getting back to them all. It's taking a bit of time but I wanted to write a little note to each to say thanks" - Frank Lampard on the correspondence he received after his mother's death in April.

* "If the England manager tells you to lose weight then that's what you do, you do whatever it takes. I feel good for it. Pizza will always be my favourite food but it's a case of not eating it all the time" - Dean Ashton finally cottons on to what should be expected of a professional footballer.

* "He can do for us what Cristiano Ronaldo did for Manchester United last season" - Dirk Kuyt gives Fernando Torres the biggest of big build-ups for the remaining 37 games.

* "Everyone keeps telling me to go and buy a central midfield players but I'm not interested in central midfield players" - Tony Mowbray reveals his formula for keeping West Brom in the Premiership. He must have spent too long talking to Arsene on Saturday.

* "Our aspirations are intact" - Juande Ramos buries his head in the sand after the defeat at Middlesbrough.

* "I did not expect to lose a goal at a set piece to a header from a guy who is 5'8" - A furious Sir Alex Ferguson gives an insight into what the hairdryer was blowing on Sunday night.

* "If I had been laughing when I was on the bench, people would say I was an idiot. Eric Cantona never smiled, but I don't know if anyone ever asked him why he didn't look happier" - Dimi Berbatov does his bit to ingratiate himself with the ManYoo support.

* "I want to wish all my colleagues the best. Some I know, and others I have not yet met, but I wish the coaches and teams all luck for the season" - Phil Scolari really is very different from Jose Mourinho.

* "Some pople might not like relegation, promotion, relegation and promotion, but would you want to be Middlesbrough - stuck in mid-table every season?" - David Gold tries to convince everyone that Birmingham's relegation was a good thing.

PG