sport

Getting All Teary Over Superstars...

Have you met anyone excited by Sky One's decision to resurrect Gladiators? Unless, of course, you know the execs at Challenge TV who are cashing in on the advertising drive by running repeats of the ITV original, or the extras who got paid for appearing in the Roman ampitheatre commercials.

It's not just the prospect of having to watch Ian 'Comedy Jester' Wright that makes the revival unappealing; it's the fact that the original was hard to watch for more than five minutes anyway. It's principal contribution to culture was Wolf getting stitched up on Brass Eye by Chris Morris: "Urgent news. Carla has started to ingest her own head."

There was also the edition of Drop The Dead Donkey in which Joy the psychotic secretary appeared on Gladiators, and was in a murderous rage caused by Dave (Neil Pearson) having a bet with Damien (Stephen Tomkinson) that he could sleep with her. Joy won, of course, but with such brutality that the programme was unscreenable.

To many, every edition of Gladiators was unscreenable and if the show itself is something to get misty-eyed about then plainly nostalgia is not what it used to be. But tonight, at 9pm...

Du-du-du-derrr!

Du-du-du-du-du-du-derrr!

Du-du-du-du-du-du-derr-derr!

The return of the BBC classic Superstars, now in its second week after being resurrected on Five, produces warm feelings in anyone of the right age. Squat thrust, anyone?

From 1973 onwards, the series - based on an an American format, I believe - thundered into living rooms with its memorable theme tune and was as good as its word. Some of the biggest names in British sport put their reputations on the line.

True, some were past their peak, but many were at their best. Look at the line-up for the 1973 final: David Hemery, winner of the gold medal in the 1968 Olympic 400m hurdles, the bronze in 1972 and a silver in that year's 400m relay; Barry John, Wales's rugby union king; the boxer Joe Bugner, boxing; Jackie Stewart, that year's Formula One world champion; Roger Taylor, a semi-finalist at Wimbledon in 1973; golfer Tony Jacklin; and Bobby Moore, still captain of England seven years after the World Cup.

Football was well represented across the years. In 1975, Malcolm Macdonald score five goals in one England game, against Cyprus at Wembley; he also ran the 100metres in 10.9 seconds, sank in a canoe and turned in an astonishing performance at pistol-shooting having never carried a gun in his life.

A year later, Kevin Keegan agonisingly came off his bike, scraping his leg horribly, but insisted on getting back on the bike, came second in a re-run, then summoned up the necessary to win the 3,000m steeplechase that ended the show. Perhaps understandably he was ruled out of the final to make sure he was fit for his day job, but his efforts help explain his huge popularity in those days.

World boxing champions such as John Conteh, athletes such as Daley Thompson (who came third the year before his first Olympic decathlon gold) and rugby league star Des Drummond (who broke Macdonald's 100m record) buffed their reputations. Lesser lights, such as judo's Brian Jacks, became household names through their victories.

The stellar cast, with sportsmen putting their reputations on the line, is why I think nostalgia for this show is far from misplaced. It was called Superstars, and they were. Now if the new Gladiators had someone going at Ian Wright with a real sword or setting lions on him I could see the attraction. But it's just another tedious TV format, X-Factor with muscles.

Alas, the dangers exposed by Keegan's accident and daring helped weaken the original Superstars, because the risk of injury meant stars, or at least their clubs and insurers, were unwilling to countenance a repeat. The role of honour of the early years becomes more a question of 'who?' when you look at the concluding line-ups in the early 1980s, leading to its demise.

That is the problem with Five's revival, of course, in a modified format. The captains are big names - Steve Redgrave, Kelly Holmes, Roger Black and Mike Catt - but in sporting terms are retirees. We won't be seeing John Terry, Amir Khan, Lewis Hamilton, Justin Rose or Andy Murray. There is no danger of Frank Lampard putting his reputation on the line - Mediawatch would probably die laughing if the cuddly Chelsea midfielder sank in a canoe.

Times have changed. It cannot be as good. Nonetheless, altogether now...

Du-du-du-derrr!

Du-du-du-du-du-du-derrr!

Du-du-du-du-du-du-derr-derr!

Philip Cornwall